Some Photos

Everyone in the country should go to New Orleans and see what is happening there, and try to be a part of making it better. Although it is not on your TV screens anymore New Orleans’ rebuilding story is still a long way from finished. Nearly two years later you can still drive around New Orleans for over 3 HOURS and never stop seeing destruction. That is a scope and a reality that is nearly impossible to comprehend until you see it with your own eyes.

The destruction of New Orleans spreads through all neighborhoods - rich, poor, black and white. The water rose, and everyone was effected. And they continue to be effected today.

There is a spirit about New Orleans that is unlike any place I’ve ever experienced. The city has a heartbeat that can be heard and felt in everything from its music to its food to its amazing people. When you talk to these people, when you hear their stories, you hear anger, sadness, frustration and pain. But when you ask them why they love their city their eyes just light up. And the answers are full of pride, heart and love.

Be a part of helping this city get back on its feet. Go see what can only be seen in New Orleans. And when you do, I guarantee you too will fall in love with the heart and soul of NOLA.

Go to http://volunteerneworleans.com/ for various volunteer opportunities in the New Orleans area.

Some Stories

I have always wanted to volunteer in a far off land. Whether it was building houses, cleaning-up habitat, teaching English, or just doing what I can, that part didn't really matter. It was mostly about giving a week of my time for the betterment of a community and the world.

Recently I help Dawn Dais in organizing the Dream in Motion, a volunteer group from around the country , go to the devastated New Orleans area to volunteer. I knew the area was devastated and in need of help before I set foot in the jazz capital of the country, but once we were onsite I got the full brunt of how much farther the Bayou region had to go in order to make it 'livable' again for its residents.

I was surprised to see how little had been done to restore the area to its pre-storm glory. On our tour of the area, the devastation was more encompassing that one could imagine. Pictures truly don't express the expansiveness of what we witnessed. Every neighborhood had been touched and up to its eves in polluted water. As we drove, every neighborhood, every street and every house as far as you could see, seemed empty and void of its once harmonious roots.

It felt good to leave there knowing, however small the contribution, that we had helped and made an impact. I would definitely recommend everyone get involved in something like this. It is an eye-opening experience that you should have at least once in your life. You will leave with a deep appreciation for what YOU have and how much you have to be thankful for in YOUR life. I hope to return to NOLA some day, to volunteer again and see the changes that helped renew the city and it's surrounding communities since this recent visit.

Carrie
Seattle, WA


I always tell people I felt like I was on two distinct trips while visiting New Orleans. After returning from my week of volunteer work and sightseeing in New Orleans, friends naturally want to hear about my experience. And the best way to sum up my time there is that I spent a week manically experiencing the highs and lows of humanity in the Crescent City.

Having never traveled to New Orleans prior to Hurricane Katrina and the floods, I had no basis for comparison for what I saw. What I felt was overwhelming sadness...in its purest and most animalistic form. TWO plus years after the disaster, the city is still in desperate need of its government, its nation, its residents, and its saviors to pay attention and to care, to act, to love. Neighborhoods are empty, businesses are shut down, homes are no longer homes -- instead, dilapidated wood skeletons remain. NOLA's soul is hurting.

Man oh man, though, is that a fun town The people, the food, the voodoo, the music, the art, the booze, the crooked streets, the funny accents, the culture, the history, and, again, the food...you'll not find New Orleans's equal anywhere in the world. Vibrant is the word that springs to mind when thinking about the town. I'm already trying to figure out a way to return next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. Perhaps one year my visit won't seem manic and I'll return talking about just one trip. Visiting New Orleans has convinced me that this town is necessary, its people are necessary, its heritage is necessary, and its vibrancy is necessary.

Heather
Berkeley, CA

I'm Trying

I am trying ever so hard to come up with something worth blogging about. As I reported yesterday, my brain has taken a leave of absence. I do so hope it returns shortly. Or not. Being a zombie isn’t all that bad. It’s a lot less stressful that regular life.

Ahhh regular life. I am trying so hard to remember what that is. It’s slow goin’ in that department. So far the television has provided some insight for me. I’ve reconnected with my TV shows, and that is a start. I’ve also reconnected with sushi, which has gone a long way in making me feel like part of my own life once again.

I just don’t really know what I’m supposed to be DOING. I work from home. So I get up and walk down the hall and I do the work that clients require. And it’s not like there isn’t work to be done. There is. And I’m doing it. But see, the thing is, for the past few months I’ve been doing all that work PLUS planning a cross-country trip/book tour/New Orleans volunteer effort. So I’m left with a little bit of a hole where I used to put A WHOLE LOT OF CRAP.

Now I’m trying to figure out what to put in that space formally filled by a whole lot of crap. There are plenty of options. But I feel like I should just breathe for a minute and not jump immediately back into the craziness. But breathing takes a lot of energy and restraint and I’m not so good at being still, as it turns out. I’m very good at being stir crazy though, which is good to know.

My Blackberry broke the other day. I think it’s a sign. Well, I guess it could be a sign that you shouldn’t drop Blackberry’s in the toilet – BUT! I like to instead think of it as a sign that I don’t need a Blackberry anymore. That there is no reason for me to connected to everyone every single second of the day. And also, maybe that I shouldn’t keep my phone in my back pocket...

In book news, there is a little blurb about me in Runner’s World this month:



Do you understand how completely ridiculous it is that there is anything, blurb or otherwise, about ME in Runner’s Friggin World? I mean really. This could be why I feel so out of sorts, there is something off in the world when I’m in Runner’s World magazine. Of course things have been off for awhile, as I was in Women’s Health magazine last month:

You notice that I was also the cover model for both magazines. Ha! I think it would be funny if I was the cover model for these magazines, standing next to their cover models. That would be comedy.

Some Pictures

I really have no thoughts at this time. My brain is on strike.

But I do have some pictures. And they are supposed to be worth a lot of words, I've heard.

Peeking Out

Hello all.

It has been quite some time since I’ve written. My bad.

I got home from my 10 week book tour/New Orleans trip. Since that time I have been doing a lot of bonding with my couch and TV. I’m actually sore today from laying down for so many hours. Sore. That is fantastic.

I don’t really know what to do with myself entirely.

Since December, and probably even before that, I’ve been planning or doing this book tour thing. At the same time I’ve been doing my real job as well, as mortgages are fun things to pay sometimes. I hear. So now I’m done with the planning and the trip. And all that is left is my real work.

There are a lot of hours in the day.

When you don’t have any morning shows to do, or book events to go to, or random groups of people to talk to, or 500 miles to drive, or 25 people to organize in New Orleans, or 25 meals to eat in New Orleans, or ulcers to get.

I’m forcing myself to take a moment to breathe a little, to be okay with the calm for a second at least. My house is quiet. It hasn’t been quiet near me for months. It’s a weird sound to get used to.

There are still a lot more things on the List of Things to Do. So I will not be calm for long. But I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying to process the last 10 weeks. Trying to get some perspective on it now that I’m done. It already feels like something I did once. Not something I did last week.

Here was the last promo that was put together. It’s a lot like the first one, but with a little more added on. Watch till the end, there a little extra after the pr info.

Greetings from NOLA

Good lord it has been forever since I’ve blogged. My bad. It seems I haven’t thought much about blogging this past week. I usually blog as mainly a way to keep friends and family updated on what I’m doing and where I’m going. But see, many of my friends and family were here with me in New Orleans. So it seemed silly to write a blog when I could just tell them to their face what I’m up to and where I’m going. Chances were they were up and going to the same things.

So we are in New Orleans trying to save the world. And eat as much food as humanly possible. The eating takes a long time, you know. And then there is the digestion and the plotting of the next meal. This too has left little time for blogging. I know you understand.

It’s been great to be back here in New Orleans and to be here with so many of my friends and family who came out to build and play. And eat. It’s been a wonderful way to end these past couple of months and a great way to sorta refuel after the draining effects of doing a book tour for 8 weeks. The book tour already feels like a distant memory and I’m glad to have washed it away with some good stuff here in New Orleans. Good people, good work, good food, great drink specials. And so on.

We are having a lovely time here and I am glad that a bunch of people in my group got to come out and see for themselves what is going on out here. It is nearly impossible to comprehend until you come here and see it with your eyes. A New Orleans resident said to me today, “We don’t have post-traumatic stress, because we are still in the trauma.”

I will be back here again, many times in the years to come. I’ve fallen in love with this city. Even in its weakened state it still has a hell of a lot to offer, and I think its people are probably some of the few in this country that would be able to fight back from this. They’ve got fight these folks. But they need other people to fight for them too. I hope to be one of those people for many years.

We will be here for a few more days, then it will be time to pack my suitcase one more time, get on one more airplane, and go home. My sweet home. With its wonderful couch and big screen TV. It’s waiting for me. I hope it remembers me. I know I remember it. Quite fondly actually.

Here is a video of our experience with a travel guide book:

NOLA

We have finally made it to New Orleans. My good lord did it take us awhile. Next time, by the way, I think I’ll just head straight to Louisiana. I don’t know if this state is looking especially nice because it is the last one I’ll have to see before I go home, or if I really do love Louisiana. Probably a little of both. There is something unique here. The combination of New Orleans and the area outside of New Orleans. They are two entirely different places, with totally different people. And yet they aren’t that far away from each other. I like both places. I like both people.

We went and saw a play today. It is called Rising Water. I read about it in the paper yesterday and we went and checked it out today. On Sundays the playwright comes to the play and has a Q&A session with the audience after the show is over. This is heaven for me. The creator of art, sitting right there, telling you how and why they created.

It’s a play about the floods, about two people who are waken in the night by rising water in their home. They don’t know where the water is coming from and why it is coming so fast. Katrina has passed, it had missed the city really. Why are they having to sit in their attic to avoid the amount of water that is rising in their house? It’s a great play, only two actors on stage for 2 hours. The dialogue flows and the story is told and you get a teeny tiny glimpse into what it must have been like. To have the levees break. To have your city under water, and to have no idea why.

The Q&A session was more like a dialogue itself. Many of the people in the audience were New Orleans residents. They had their own stories to tell. Mostly they said, “No one in the rest of the country knows what happened here. They just don’t get it.”

And we don’t.

It’s impossible to describe to people what happened here. That is wasn’t Katrina that flooded New Orleans, it was the failed levee system. A system similar to ones in cities throughout the country. And then after the levees failed, everything else failed as well. The stories you hear from people here, they make you wonder why there aren’t riots in the streets. And they make you understand why the suicide rate is 3 times the national average here.

My group of volunteers is going on a tour of the devastated areas on Thursday. It’s a two and a half hour tour. During that time we will not repeat anything. And we will probably still not see all the damage that was done.

The scope.

That is what we in the rest of the country don’t understand. An entire city wiped off the map. That doesn’t seem possible, so we can’t quite grasp it. But it is possible.

The French Quarter is still open for business, tourists still wander the streets, beer and food is still flowing from the bars and restaurants. So everything must be okay, right? Go 5 miles away from the French Quarter and you will see that no, it is not okay. And you will feel very strongly that it is so not okay how not okay this place is a year and a fucking half after the levees broke.

The playwright, John Biguenet, told a story today at the Q&A session. He said that Americans can’t wrap their heads around what has happened here but that the Europeans he’s met seem to understand. Because they’ve had whole cities destroyed before. There was a man from Germany who said that he understood what New Orleans was going through because Germany had been wiped out as well. He then said that New Orleans should take solace in how Germany rebuilt and rose out of its destruction. To this Mr. Biguenet replied, “Yes, but you had the United States helping you rebuild.”

I saw a bumper sticker recently that said, “If you’re not completely appalled, then you haven’t been paying attention.”

Pay attention.

My Driving Teacher

Driving Lessons

Sherry let me drive the RV the other day. Lord help me. And everyone else on the freeway. Thank the same lord that there weren’t very many of his people on the freeway, because I was taking up most of the freeway with my driving. I don’t know where anyone else would have fit.

See, the thing is, I’m used to driving a CRV. CRV’s are very tiny. RV’s, towing pickup trucks? Not so tiny. Wow. Talk about nerve-wracking. One would think that Sherry’s nerves might have been a little wracked, but no. A nice afternoon cocktail took care of her nerves. If only I could have had a few cocktails, because my nerves were a wreck.

I got us to our destination without causing harm to us or anyone else. To me that is a job well done. We won’t discuss how many lanes I needed to take up at one time, those details are unimportant. What is important is that people realize that it is not easy to navigate such a large automobile/home and therefore they need to just, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY ” Ahem. It’s kinda difficult to brake when you are going 70 in a house on wheels. Make note of that wouldja?

Next time you see a motor home in your rearview mirror, just pull over and let them pass. You never know who might be behind the wheel. And you never know if the only person really qualified to drive the home on wheels is in the back mixing a cocktail.

I’m here to inform.

Here is a video of my driving adventure. It’s like a Driver’s Ed video gone terribly wrong.

Texas

We’s in Texas ya’ll.

I got my cowboy hat on and I’m ready to rock this state.

We lost two hours getting here.

We haven’t really had to be anywhere at any time the last couple of days so time isn’t all that important. But it’s still a funny thing, “What time is it?” “3, 4 or 5 o’clock, I’m not sure where we are exactly.”

Tomorrow we head to Austin and then to Houston. Then we will vote republican and perhaps buy a gun. Isn’t that what people do here. Hey! Did someone die? The flags are all at half mast. (Is it half mast or half massed? Dunno.) I always hate when I see flags at half mast, because it makes me sad and a little confused. I figure someone must have died, so I should be sad, but I’m not really sure who died, so maybe if I knew I wouldn’t have strong feelings either way. Basically flags at half mast sorta confuse me emotionally, I don’t know how to appropriately react. Hell, maybe they are still at half mast for that Ford guy that died. They were at half mast for weeks after he died. Every time I saw one I thought someone new had died, but no.

And speaking of presidents, I’ve been told that Lady Bird Johnson was big into the beautification of Texas highways. Is this true? Apparently she was all about making the highways pretty. Really? Can this really be true? That a First Lady of the friggin’ United States of America decided to spend her time and energy and influence and power on planting flowers along the highway? EVERY flower we’ve seen along the highway Sherry points at and says, “Lady Bird did that.” What a phenomenal legacy...

Tonight it was all of a sudden 10 o’clock and we hadn’t eaten dinner. We had big dreams of a real dinner that wasn’t eaten in the motor home, but alas our dreams were not quite answered when the only thing open was Sonic. See, the thing with Sonic is that they have really good commercials that really make me want to go to Sonic. But the bastards haven’t actually BUILT a Sonic near me. They just run ads. They did put up a sign near my house like three years ago. It says “Coming Soon”. It is lying. So I have this kinda idealized notion of what Sonic is. I’ve seen the great commercials with great looking burgers and fries and tasty treats aplenty. Yeah. So we went to Sonic tonight and well, they should stick with making commercials because they seem to be pretty good at that and I don’t think they have any hope of their cooking ever being good. Edwin actually said, “Well, the Coke is okay.” God love him and his search for the bright side.

Some Pictures

Skywalk, Part 2

Here’s the thing: The Sky Walk is a rip-off. Tell everyone you know. Tell them to avoid the Sky Walk and go to some other part of the huge, wonderful Grand Canyon.

The Sky Walk costs $25. BUT you can’t just go on the Sky Walk. The Sky Walk is only available as an add-on to another one of the tour packages they have available. The cheapest tour package you can get is $50. So then. You have to add on the Sky Walk for another $25. This brings us up to $75 for the joy of walking on a glass thing that is really beyond lame.

What does the rest of the tour include? Well, a bus ride. That was fun. It was 5 minutes. Then an All You Can Eat Buffet. We have a suggestion, perhaps All You Can Stand Buffet might be a better name. Truth in advertising and all that. Oh and speaking of which, here is the “artist rendering” of the skywalk:


Ooooo, ahhhhh.

Now, I present you, my experience in how the Native Americans intend to screw over the country that did them so wrong. Here’s the thing: The Sky Walk is a rip-off. Tell everyone you know. Tell them to avoid the Sky Walk and go to some other part of the huge, wonderful Grand Canyon.

Oh, and the video is pretty long, so I recommend pushing play, then pause and letting it load all the way to the end before you try watching it, it will play better that way. You wouldn't want to miss a moment of this thing.

Sky Walk Sucks

Do not go to the Sky Walk Glass Thingy at the Grand Canyon. Please. For your sake and for the sake of the Indians on the reservation there. Because, the thing is, if people keep going there and keep getting totally screwed by being made to pay $75 a person to walk on what turns out to be a really lame glass thing that doesn’t really extend that far out over the canyon, well then, bad things are going to start happening to the Native Americans on that reservation. I’m not saying I’m a violent person, but I am saying that if you drive down a bumpy dirt road for 20 miles (after already having gone hours out of your way to come see the wonder) then you are made to pay $75 for the privilege of walking around the Grand Canyon, well, uh, things could get really un-grand real quick. Is all I’m saying.

The thing is ridiculous. It looks absolutely nothing like the artist rendering that lured us to what we believed would be an awesome abundance of nature’s beauty and enormity. But no. All it turned to be was a brilliant display of how people will always try to do something to get more money out of other people, as well as a fantabulous representation of how those people who are made to pay are then treated as though they are inconveniencing the entire Native American population by merely wanting to see some of this promised wonder and beauty.

I have made a lovely video documenting our waste of $200 and several hours of our time. Unfortunately I have very slow internet because we are in the middle of nowhere. So the video is loading at a speed that may make it available for viewing sometime next Fall. Stay tuned for that.

We also went to Vegas this weekend and spent a little time on the strip. We went and saw the Cirque show LOVE, the one that is with all the Beatles songs. Have you guys seen the Cirque shows on Bravo? Where they have all those people performing amazing acrobatic acts as well as overall astounding physical tests? I have. So I keep going to these Cirque shows expecting to see people doing a bunch of awe-inspiring acrobatics. And, somehow, these shows keep forgetting that they are a Cirque show and perhaps should throw in someone balancing on someone else’s head or something. Work with me here.

I did enjoy the Beatles music, and visually the show was amazing. So overall it was a good way to spend a Saturday night. Another good thing about the night was that I won $10 in the casino while we were waiting for the show. I played nickel slots and kept winning random-ass things. I was up to quite a few credits, but I wasn’t really sure how much money those credits translated to, so I just kept playing. Who knows how much I won or lost, or why I won or lost it for that matter. Who understands nickel slots really? You just push the button and wait to see if you won. There are lines everywhere with random ass pictures popping up and animated things making noise and singing songs. Man I love nickel slots. “I won! I got four buoys and a crab cage!”

So that was my weekend. I also did a couple morning shows and a book thing. Nothing too exciting there. I’m sure TONS of people were gathered around the morning show on Easter morning watching me talk about carbo-loading. I probably sold at least 20,000 books....

On the Road Again

I am once again leaving my happy home and taking to the open road tomorrow. I am not so happy to be leaving my home. I ready to be home for good, and I still have another month. Ugh.

The good news about this leg is that it involves this:

A home on wheels! Yay! This thing actually opens out in the middle when it is stopped, which actually makes it about as big as my condo. AND it has two TV’s. Yay home on wheels!

My friend Sherry has agreed to spend the next few weeks on the Dawn Is Trying to Convince You to Buy Her Book Tour. She’s a great sport and a great friend to offer her home on wheels to my dreams on wheels. It’s all very Road Rules of us. Maybe we’ll stop every once and awhile and do a random physical challenge just like they used to do on MTV’s version. Could happen.

See ya on the road kids...

Stuff

The REI things are going surprisingly well. Fun fact: I can BS for really any length of time, as it turns out. Well, I don’t really think of it as BS-ing, I just think of it as thinking on my feet. I’ve just gone in there the past couple of nights, taken a seat and started talking about marathon training. I mean really. I wrote 200 friggin pages about it, the least I can do it rambling on about it for an hour or so. The only problem seems to be that I don’t have much of a set outline of what I’m going to say, so tonight I kept hesitating on things, because I didn’t know if I had already said those things tonight, or was that last night? Geez, this is probably why people write things down and formulate thoughts before they give seminars on running. Maybe I’ll formulate thoughts on the next book tour. Or maybe I’ll formulate thoughts before the book tour and as a result will decide not to actually go on a book tour.

Lot’s of stuff has happened between blogs, and since I’m not blogging as often as usual I feel like some stuff is going unreported here in the blogworld. For that I am ever so sorry. For instance, it’s April something or other now and we still don’t have an updated picture of my mom’s ceramic dog. Things are falling apart here. You know, one of my friends suggested that I make a myspace page for the dog. I think I just might. His pictures are much better than half of the people on myspace. And he’s wearing more clothes in his pictures. (The dog, not my friend)

Last night on my way back from Seminar de Dawn I had to stop at YET ANOTHER TOLL BOOTH. Seriously. I am beginning to harbor a resentment towards tollbooths that is bordering on homicidal. Last night I came very close to hopping that border. It’s late at night. I have no cash. I see a sign saying there is a tollbooth coming up. There is no sign for an exit where I might be able to go get money. I get to the tollbooth. I have no money I say, can you send me a bill or something? The man says that the bill will be $29 if I can’t pay. This is when I started taking very big steps towards the border. I said maybe I had the $4 (and by the way - $4 for a FRIGGIN’ TOLL?!!!! Please someone do the math on how much @##%^&#$!@#$!#$ money these tollbooths are bringing in. Perhaps maybe we could set up a tollbooth to help fund things like education and health care for the poor, instead of just potholes.) in change, could I just pull to the side so the other people could go while I counted my change? He said no, the people would have to wait. I did not have $4 in change, so he took down my license number and will be sending me a bill that charges me over 900% interest because I am one of the millions of people in this country who operate almost exclusively on plastic, not cash. Do you think I could have sued the tollbooth company if I was attacked and mugged while going to get cash in the middle of the night in order to pay their ridiculous toll? Ooooooooooohhhhhh, I am not a happy driver. I will be sending this ticket back with a very strongly worded letter and a $5 bill. I am willing to pay 25% interest. That to me seems fair. If you can consider paying to driving a FREEway fair to begin with.

In other news I made a short video of two videos from Southern California. The first is a little sushi place in San Diego. It’s got flat screens all over the place, playing the most random stuff. The second was a huge bomb-looking fire in Hollywood. Big stuff, captured on film for you...

Things

It has been ever so long since I’ve written. My bad. Turns out the whole sick/traveling/book crap/still doing real work stuff combines to leave very little time for things like real thoughts and/or blogging. I am ever so sorry that you have not had up-to-the-minute blogs from Camp Dawn. I’ll do my best to keep that from happening again. We’ll see how it goes.

I am once again back home. And I am once again very happy about that. Let’s not get into the scheduling genius that keeps leading me back home, shall we? I fear it may lead to discussions of other very intelligent people and things that have marked this little tour of mine. Instead lets focus on some other things.

One thing is that my Blackberry just randomly decided to change times on Sunday morning, springing forward and all that. My modern, technologically advance little Blackberry. Didn’t get the memo that we already sprung forward a few weeks ago. This left me up an hour early on Sunday. An hour earlier than the ridiculous 5 a.m. time I was supposed to be up for a 5k thing I was going to.

I’m running around my cousin’s house getting ready, when she looks up from her bed and says, “What time are we supposed to leave?” I say, “Now!” She says, “It’s 4:30.". I say, “No, it’s 5:30." She says, “No my clock says it’s 4:30.” Me, “Mine says it’s 5:30." Her, “Your clock is high.” Me, “Maybe your clock is high.” Her “gets out of bed and goes to find tie-breaking clock in the living room, points to it” “That is the clock from the cable company, it’s right, yours is high, I’m going back to bed.”

Funny thing is, at 4 or 5 a.m. it is just basically “early as hell” a.m. - so that one hour didn’t make a lot of difference.

Last night I flew home and got home at about midnight-ish. I’d been up (minus a nap) since about 4. But when I saw my TV is was hit with my 8th wind. I was up till 5 catching up on my shows. Man do I love TV.

Another thing: Tomorrow. And then Wednesday and Thursday as well. Could be very interesting. I am to speak at three REI’s. Do they have REI’s everywhere? They are like outdoorsy stores. Not in like a fish and game sort of way, but more in a climb a mountain, sleep under the stars sort of way. I guess. So I am to speak at these stores. I am to inform people how to train for their first marathon. Cause you know, I wrote a sarcastic book about running. Hmmm. This has the potential to go very poorly. Very quickly. Well, actually, very longly. Cause this talking? It’s supposed to take awhile. Marathons are 26 miles, so I guess they require a lot of time to talk about them. Oy.

The REI Lady said to me, “You will start at 7pm, we’d really like for you to wrap it up by 8:30, so you have time to sign books.” Riiiighty-o. Do you know that an hour an a half is the average length of most movies? Feature length films? The ones that take years to write and produce and edit and present? Those very ones. And I’m supposed to stand up in front of people and talk or whatever for the equivalent of a whole movie? How the? What the? Oh! Maybe I’ll just PLAY a movie! That is a brilliant idea. Quick, what’s a good running movie? Chariots of Fire, right? I’ll put the song on a loop while I talk. There were also those two about that Prefontane (sp?) guy. He dies at the end of both though, so I don’t know if that is the best message to send to people. But then again, the movies are dramas, so they are probably 2 hours long, he is probably just in the height of his second act glory at an hour and a half, so that might work.

You know what is really funny in a not so funny sort of way? I really have no idea what I’m going to talk about for an hour an a half. Let’s hope they have a lot of questions. And perhaps a VCR.

Not So Cured

Shocker of shockers, Mountain Dew and popcorn didn’t quite cure me. I have been in bed all day yet again. Yet again rising for only food and some dessert. I can’t imagine why I don’t feel well.

I think my body is rebelling, I think it very much wants to be on my couch back home watching TV and eating Chinese take-out. It has humored me for this long and now it is just about done with this silly touring thing. It is expressing its disapproval in the form of body aches and exhaustion.

My head is clogged up and I can’t breathe or hear that well. I’m thinking that tomorrow’s morning show appearance is going to be simply fabulous. Don’t miss it if you are in San Diego. I may just stare blankly into the camera for my entire three minute segment. Could happen.

Funny thing, not a lot to report about today, as most of it was spent sleeping.

BUT I do have a video from a bathroom I visited here in San Diego. Well, I didn’t JUST visit the bathroom, I was actually in the restaurant and then I went into the bathroom. And then I went in again with my camera, because it was something that I knew you guys would want to see. Yes, I know I have a problem that needs to be addressed when it comes to cameras and bathrooms. But really, it can take a number in the Problems That Need to Be Addressed line. It’s a very long line.

Cured

Today is the 10 year anniversary of the Heaven’s Gate mass suicide thing. How do I know that? Because that is the Depressing Story of the Day that I had the joy of following this morning on San Diego morning television. Well, to be honest, I actually followed the story about how panda poop can be made into paper. Or something. And that’s not depressing so much as disgusting, so I guess that is a step in some direction for my television appearances.

Things are going okay here. I have been hit with a cold or flu of some sort, I’m not sure what sort. But it seems to be the sort that involves no energy and the desire to sleep 23 hours a day. (The other hour I enjoy eating something) I am feeling a little better now. This could have to do with several of my rock solid healing techniques.

1) The sleeping I mentioned earlier. Now, granted, I did only get a few hours sleep before I had to go inspire San Diego on morning TV, but the great thing about morning TV is that you can go, inspire and then be back in bed by like 8 am. I barely even had a chance to wake up and I was back in bed. And in that bed I remained for quite a many hours.

2) I woke up just long enough to eat some food and drink some Mountain Dew. I haven’t been feeling well so I’ve been drinking water instead of Mountain Dew. This was giving me a bitch of a caffeine headache and I think was contributing to my overall crappy feeling.

3) Then I woke up again and went and saw a movie. I felt like crap and probably should have stayed in bed, and probably infected the entire theater, but damnit if movies don’t make me feel better. These are the things I need in life: Movies and TV, at regular intervals. Without them I get weak and achy.

So then, I feel better and plan on maintaining this health with even more sleeping tomorrow. And perhaps a gallon of Nyquil before I go to bed.

I believe my book tour is about half over now. And I believe that I am very ready for it to be all the way over. Two months is too long to be away from your life, I’ve decided. And being away from your life doesn’t pay well, so it would be nice to return to my life and to the positive cash flow it offers. The little things in this life. These are what make me happy.

That and movie popcorn.

Oh My.

It has been ever so long since I wrote. Since Sunday it would seem. Not that days really mean anything to me. I tend to just look about two days ahead on my schedule at a time. I know where I am supposed to be in two days. I don’t particularly care what actual days of the week those are. Monday, Thursday, Sunday. All the same.

This week has been nice. Why? Because I got to come home. The good lord set me free from the frozen parts of this country and dropped me in California via a plane. How I love California. And planes for that matter. They go a little quicker than cars, it turns out. It took me two weeks to get to Minnesota. And 4 hours to get home. Did I mention I love planes?

One thing that planes are lacking in slightly is cargo space. It turns out that a lot of stuff fits in an SUV. A lot. And it is then quite difficult to check all that stuff onto a plane. Who woulda thought? We spent several hours and a trip to luggage section of Goodwill (suitcases for a $5!! Really pretty ones too!!) trying to figure out a way to get the SUV back to California on a plane. We ended up each having three bags and two carry-ons. We were fully ready to pay an arm and a leg, but for some reason the kind Baggage Checker Guy let it slide and didn’t charge us anything. God bless you Baggage Checker Guy.

Then we made it home. Well, to San Francisco. Which isn’t so much home. It is still a couple hours away from home. And that is not including the HOUR AND A HALF IT TOOK ME TO RENT A DAMN CAR. Let’s not get into that, because I fear my head may explode if I have to revisit exactly how close I was to killing someone at 1 a.m. in the Thrifty Car Rental place. It was not the best example of my patience.

But at least when it was all done I was in my very own bed. !!! Halle-friggin-lujah.

My bed, and my house and my TV are all very significant reasons why there hasn’t been a blog in quite sometime. I missed my home so much. I need to spend some quality time with it while I have the chance. My DVR alone requires hours of my attention. Do you know that I haven’t watched TV in like a month? Do you know that that is probably the first month in my entire life that I’ve gone without watching TV? Do you know that it’s not healthy for me to go without TV? I can’t tell you how happy I am to have reconnected with my TV and bed and couch. They missed me so and have welcomed me home with open arms and taped shows aplenty.

Tomorrow is my second of two free days, then I’m off for another month on the road. Who the hell do I think I am? The Rolling Stones? And who the hell do the Rolling Stones think they are? 22 years old? I can’t believe those guys are still touring. It’s exhausting going from town to town and not being able to just relax in your own house. I can’t imagine people who do it all year. But then again I might be able to better imagine it if I were making a million bucks a night. That might trigger the imagination a bit...

A Short Film of Triumph

A short film about my harrowing cell phone tale from last week...

Triumph Over Evil

Tired

I’m tired.

I don’t have much to blog about today. And the things I can think of to blog about are going to take more effort than I really have to devote to blogging right now.

I will say that it is colder than a witch’s tit here. I was on TV today and while I was waiting to be on TV the TV had the time and temperature on the screen. It was noon. It as 37 degrees. What the hell is the sun even doing in Chicago? Why no warming?

One fun thing about being in a cold climate is that people figure out interesting ways to pass the time while they are forced to be inside. Hence a thing called Cornhole.

My friend plays this Cornhole game in a league and she was so kind as to allow me to attend this league last night. It’s like horseshoes, but with bean bags and a wooden thing with a hole cut in it. So I guess it’s not like horseshoes at all really. Other than you stand far away from the wooden thing with the hole and you throw a bean bag toward the wooden thing with the hole. If you get the bean bag in the hole you get 3 points, if you get it just on the wooden thing you get 1 point. Unless the other team does the same thing, then you get no points.

Here is an example of the proper form.

It basically takes place in a bar and the team my friend was playing was named, “Here for the Drink Specials.” So you kinda get the gist of the league. But it was fun and just random enough to be completely entertaining. It is also difficult enough that many, many of the people playing really don’t think that it is entertaining so much as it is very very serious and really quite important. You know how people can get when you involved throwing things.

In other news, I made a random compilation video of a couple of our stops. My good lord do I have a lot of video with which to make random videos. Maybe someday, when I return from my rise to fame, I will edit them all together for you. That will be quite an exciting day indeed.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

Very dramatic things happening in Chicago. Well, a suburb of Chicago.

After a fun night with friends in Chicago we headed to this suburb and checked into our hotel.

It was about midnight.

I paid the nice lady at the front desk.

We then proceeded to unload the entire tuck full of crap that we are hauling across this great nation of ours.

It’s a lot of crap.

This took awhile.

It also took a luggage cart.

When I was returning the luggage cart I ran into some guys who were locked out of their room. One of them rode down in the elevator with me. We struck up a conversation. He seemed nice. His buddy was at the front desk when I returned the cart.

When I returned to my room I realized I didn’t have my phone.

The $500 Blackberry.

I figured I left it in the car.

I told Edwin to call the phone, while I laid on top of all the crap, to feel if any of it vibrated with the phone call.

No luck.

But.

Someone picked up the phone.

There were voices.

They didn’t realize they were being heard.

We went down to the lobby, as that is where I had to have left the phone. Edwin kept the phone call going, the people on the other end not realizing they were on a phone call.

We asked the lady at the front desk if she’d seen a phone.

She said there was a phone for local calls right there that I could use.

She was confused.

Edwin is pacing around, his phone to his ear listening to the conversation of the phone stealers, trying to find them.

I see the guy from the elevator, ask him if they saw a Blackberry when they checked in. He says no.

I ask the lady at the front desk if anyone besides those guys had checked in at the front desk since I was there, she says no.

The guys come downstairs, they are still unable to get in their room. I ask one of them if they have seen a phone. The man won’t look me in the eye, points to his friend. His friend just shrugs and says no.

These men are lying.

Edwin says that they are the voices he heard on the other end of the phone.

Edwin is not happy.

I go back upstairs, call my phone company, cancel my phone. I have insurance on the phone, so I find out how to get a new phone.

In order to get a new phone I am going to need to call a number and give them numbers and details and other crap, and then they will SEND me a phone.

Cause, you know, I’m not like on the road traveling every day or anything. Totally convenient to send me a phone.

But fine. Okay.

Oh, and they are going to need a police report. FOR A STOLEN PHONE.

Cause, you know, cops have nothing better to do than file police reports for stolen cell phones. People aren’t being killed and raped everyday or anything, so there is plenty of time to follow up on the cell phone criminals.

So I have to call the #!&@#$ cops. Which I do not want to. I do not want these cell phone stealers to know that I called the cops on them. Because if they are the kind of people who will steal a friggin’ cell phone, they are the kind of people that will mess with people who call the cops on people who steal cell phones.

But I have to call the cops. So my cell phone insurance will give me a new phone. In 2-3 working days.

So we call the cops.

AND THEY ACTUALLY SEND A POLICE OFFICER OUT HERE.

Cause, you know, cops have nothing better to do than file police reports for stolen cell phones. People aren’t being killed and raped everyday or anything, so there is plenty of time to follow up on the cell phone criminals.

Crap.

So I go back down where the guys are staying. To tell them that I had to call the cops so that I can file a report, so that I can get my phone replaced. And I don’t want to get them in trouble, I just want to get my phone. But as I’m knocking on their door the cop steps off the elevator. I turn to him and say, “I don’t want to do anything, I just want a police report so I can get a new phone.”

The cop asks if I know who took the phone. I say that I might, but I’m not sure. The cop asks if perhaps the person is in the room that I was just knocking on. I say I don’t know.

I really want the cop to go away. As we are now standing outside the door of the people who are stupid enough to steal a cell phone and are probably stupid enough to mess with people who call cops on people who steal cell phones. I explain that I have to stay at this hotel and I don’t want any trouble. I just ask for a report number and his badge so I can get my new phone.

About this time the dude answers the knock from about 5 minutes prior. Sticks his head out into the hallway, “Did someone knock, it sounded like a tap on the window.”

Did I mention that the whole hallway reeked of weed?

Yeah, it did.

So now the dudes have seen me filling out a report with the cops. So the gig is up. The bad guys are going to seek their revenge anyways. Edwin and I look at each other. As we know that we are done anyways, “So what if we might know where it is?”

The popo says that all he can do is ask them if they might have it. He says to give him a few minutes and he’ll let us know. He also has to see what the front desk lady wants to do about the weed that he smells.

We go back up to the room and look out the window.

There is another cop car now.

This suburb of Chicago? Not much crime going on on Wednesday night, so it would seem.

A few minutes later the front desk calls, “We have your phone.”

Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

We go down to my phone and to the cops and they say that they simply went and asked the guys if they had the phone. The guys said no. So the friendly cop said that he was just going to go down to the front desk and replay the security tape they have there, to see what happened to the phone.

The cop went downstairs and wouldn’t ya know, a guy came down a few minutes later with the phone, explaining it was all a mix-up, they have lots of phones like this very one and oopsie, they took mine by mistake.

And then we all had a big laugh and a hug.

The end.

Nebraska

Nebraska smells. Really bad.

Nebraska is also, according to its State Sign, the Home of Arbor Day. I had no idea that a state could claim ownership of a whole day. But apparently Nebraska has. And quite honestly, given the fact that they have to live with that smell all the time, I’m willing to give them Arbor Day. They deserve that much. I might even be willing to throw in Flag Day. It smells that bad.

We are on the road. There is very little to blog about when you spend your entire days in a car. Especially when you are passing through the middle of this country in said car. Just not a lot going on to report back to you.

I am heading to Chicago. I’m sure there are things happening there that I can tell you about in a couple days. For instance, I have a TV segment there in which I have been instructed to be “serious” not “funny”. Apparently it is for some “serious”-type segment about health or something. I wonder how I will do with being “serious”. I have a feeling it will not go so well. It is not in my nature. Sarcasm is a disease. There is nothing I can do about it. It strikes in unknowing, uncontrollable ways. Kinda like tourette’s. You understand my plight. We’ll see how it goes.

We were staying with a cousin of Edwin’s in Colorado. Cousin’s Wife was about 8.7 months pregnant when we arrived. She was scheduled for a C-section next week. That schedule took a bit of a turn last night at about 2 a.m. when she went into labor. So happy birthday to the new baby! If there are any other pregnant women who are nearing their due date and want to speed things up, let me know, we’ll stop on by. It seems that my presence is enough to scare a baby right out into the world.

We have now made it to Des Moines. We will be here for 10 hours or so then head out again, on our way to Oprah’s house in Chicago. I hope she’s made the proper arrangements for my arrival. I don’t know if her compound is quite ready for the amount of paparazzi that follow me everywhere...

Colorado Not-So-Free-ways

Other states are interesting. And by interesting I mean weird.

There is this “freeway” here. It is called a “toll” road. Which always strikes me as odd. Why am I paying to be driving on a friggin’ freeway? But okay. Once in awhile I am forced to stop and throw money at a person wearing latex gloves. It’s one of the things I’ve accepted as completely ridiculous, but also completely unavoidable. I try not to let it bother me.

Until. Colorado.

There is a freeway here. We came in on this freeway the other night. And by the time we came off the freeway we were broke. Seriously. This freeway has a toll booth like every 5 miles. What the? At first I thought it was cute. There is a little sign that says “Cash ½ mile.” I thought it was hilarious. Cause that’s all it says, “Cash ½ mile.” Woo Hoo! Cash in a half a mile!! Unfortunately I found that the cash was mine, and it was to be handed over to the people in the tollbooth.

I missed the first Cash sign and I was bummed because I really wanted to get a picture of it. So I was kinda excited when the next Cash sign came up. Sweet! I can take a picture and document this way funny sign! And then the next Cash sign came up another 5 miles down the road. And another. And then they started losing their cuteness. What the hell?! Why with the $2 every 5 feet? Is there gold lining the highways of Colorado? And! And! THEN you have to pay EXACT change of 75 cents to get OFF THE FRIGGIN’ freeway. There is a little thing that you have to throw the money in as you are exiting.

@#$^&*#$%^%@!!

Colorado has taken all my cash. I am not feeling Rocky Mountain High at all.

Videos

I'm too lazy to type.

So I give you video instead.

First, this is the funniest video EVER. Please note the slow-motion running. TOTALLY natural.




And here is a highlight reel of what we've done so far.

I am very famous. Oprah, take note.

Bored Blogging

I am driving in colorado.

I was previously driving in wyoming.

Before that, Utah.

Today has been just miles of fun.

So I have taken to blogging while I drive. Safe? Yeah probably not so much. But I have been going straight for hundreds of miles, so me thinks there aren't any major swerves coming up.

We are headed to Boulder. It is supposed to be nice there. Honestly, anything will be nice compared to Salt Lake. My lord I did not like it there. I think they designed the streets and freeways to either try to keep people out or to trap them in.

I'm thankful to have made it out. The city of salt and U-turns.

This is more than a little difficult, the blogging with one finger, so I shall go now.

Endless miles and tumbleweeds to you all...

Utah

We are in Salt Lake City now. 11 hours in the car. Three states. Now we are here.

I think it is quite funny that Utah, the land of Mormon is right next door to Nevada, the land of sin. As we were driving on the freeway there was this huge area in the middle of nowhere that had a bunch of casinos and hotels and neon lights and $5.99 Steaks. Then we saw a sign that said “Welcome to Utah”. And that is where all the fun stopped. Nevada had to build a city of sin right on the friggin’ border of Utah. Just to tempt them. Ha.

And speaking of $5.99 steaks. We had quite a lovely steak dinner this evening. We went to a steakhouse in the middle of Nevada and went ahead and ordered a steak. We ordered it medium- well. Methinks that whatever way you order your steak at this steakhouse you just get it the one way they prepare it. That way is well-leather. It was lovely. I ate a lot of the bake potato and corn.

We stopped and ate at the steakhouse because up until that point in the day (8 pm) we had eaten only food that had come from a minimart. Such food is a glorious thing, but occasionally it is a good idea to put something besides donnettes, beef jerky, cotton candy and chips into your body. Roll that all around with some Mountain Dew and you can see why we were happy to see a sign for a steak. Unfortunately, I think the steak might have actually come from the mini-mart too...

I’m off to bed. It is an hour later here. I think. I should look that up or something. So I actually show up on time to my event tomorrow. I wouldn’t want to keep the fans waiting. The two of them may get upset and leave. That is my average, about 2 people at every event. But see, if a store has an event with me then they end up ordering like 20 books and putting them out for people to see. This makes me stand out in huge bookstores and actually results in quite a few books being sold. Which is good. It does not necessarily result in anyone coming to the events. Which is embarrassing

The other night at the Fairfield Barnes and Noble the lady said that they had sold 11 books before I even arrived, because people noticed the poster for the book signing and then took a look at the book and decided to buy it. This was exciting. Less exciting was the fact that only one person actually showed up during my book signing time. My good friend Edwin, always the supporter, said, “It seems as if the poster of your book is actually selling more books than you in person.”

It’s a really good poster though...

Portland Urban Iditarod

So.

This weekend.

I was in Portland.

Because I wrote a book about running I thought we would do a running event while in Portland. It is not my fault that the only running event in Portland this weekend just happened to be one that involved dressing up and “running” from bar to bar. There is nothing I could do about that. It’s not like I planned to be in Portland at that very time, so as to participate in this particular event. It’s not like I said, “Portland and New Orleans are really the only two places I need to hit on my book tour,” when my publicists asked where I wanted to go. Priorities people, it’s all about priorities.

Months ago, when I was planning this crazy tour, I was looking on Active.com for different events and I came across one called The Urban Iditarod. The tagline for the event was, “There are no winners or losers, just belligerent idiots running around.” And I was hooked.

The event is a play on the actual iditarod that takes place in Alaska. In the real iditarod there is a dude that is pulled through snow by a bunch of dogs. In the Urban Iditarod there is someone pushing a shopping cart with four friends pulling the cart. They are all dressed up like idiots. And they are running from bar to bar in downtown Portland.

I could get into the sport of running if it included more events like this.

So I found a couple people in Portland to come out and play on my team. We didn’t quite know what we were going to dress up as, but we knew that the Salvation Army might have just what we were looking for. And I must say the Army came through big time. $20 later we had three and a half costumes and we were ready to join the belligerent idiots.

We decided that we would be rest home escapees. Our costumes included nightgowns, bras (on the outside), some classy hats and even some depends. Oh and some lovely lipstick. We looked awesome.

The most awesome part was the fact that there wasn’t a set route for the event, so people were randomly dressed and randomly running all over downtown from bar to bar. After the first mile or so people started going their own ways, and just ending up at the bars however they saw fit. This meant that the normal citizens of Portland, who were just out for a Saturday stroll, were a little confused by the random people running by with shopping carts and dressed like idiots. They had looks of horror and bewilderment and amusement spread across their faces, “Uh, what are you guys doing?” Some came over and joined in the fun, some kept their children at a safe distance, others said we were going to hell. Most just stared. And shook their heads.

At one point I got separated from the pack and was left to wander the streets of Portland with only one other member of my team. We got some very interesting looks. I started embracing my insanity and began looking around the city as if I were a normal window shopper. I scared the security guard at Tiffany’s when I peeked in the window. And when I got to a building with a ticker tape of stock numbers going around it, I stopped, took out my Blackberry and typed vigorously while screaming, “Sell! Sell!” While dressed in a nightgown with my bra on the outside.

I heart the Urban Iditarod.

For you, my dear readers, I’ve made a little video of our time spent competing in one of the fiercest events in athletics. It ain’t easy running with that much lipstick on, I tell ya.

Bye Bye Oregon

We have left Oregon. We are now back in California for a brief time. Then we head off to the east, on our way across to Chicago. Oprah! Here I come. If anyone cancels an appearance on your show I’d be happy to fill in. I’m an old pro at the tv shows now. Call me. Or, better yet, call my “people”. Cause I have “people” and I’m thinking that they are definitely the ones that should be handling calls from Oprah.

It is very weird to have “people”. God love ‘em they are pimping me out to pretty much anyone who will take their calls. Today I had a book signing at a running place in Eugene, Oregon and while I was there a camera crew from the local news came out to talk to me. I was a bit worried about this, as my last book signing included the signing of only one book and the attendance of only one couple. I didn’t know that this was exactly the kind of event that the local media needed to be made aware of. I feared that they would arrive and there I would be sitting, all by my lonesome, surrounded by books, without an interested patron in sight. Is this something that people need to see on the evening news? I think no.

Thankfully there were some people at this event. Unfortunately most of them were gone by the time the news people arrived. But I did have a couple friends with me (my entourage, you know) and so they stood there and talked to me, looking all interested and informed by me and my book. News at 11.

We had quite a lot of fun this weekend. There are pictures. I will not get into the fun, as without the pictures it’s just hardly worth it. But I will say that three ladies, $20 at the Salvation Army, a shopping cart and 500 drunken idiots add up to a lot of fun.

I must go sleep now.

And Next Up...

Do you ever feel like you are on candid camera? For days at a time?

Today I went to another morning show appearance. It went well. And it once again went after a horrifying life story. Whyyyyyyy? You might recall last weekend when I had the good fortune to follow a man who had spent his youth as a child soldier in Africa. It was ever so much fun to make jokes about sports bras after stories of torture and death.

Then today.

I entered the green room and met the woman who would be going on before me. She runs a hotline for abused American women who are stuck in foreign countries and can’t get out. She started this hotline because she was an abused American woman stuck in a foreign country who couldn’t get out. She and her children endured years of abuse at the hands of her husband. She finally escaped, made it back here, started her hotline and is now up for huge award for Really Important People with Really Important Stories to Tell. Or something.

After the producer got done talking to this force of nature and inspiration enough for 8 Lifetime movies she turned to me, “I couldn’t find any Body Glide to bring as a prop, but one time when I ran out of Body Glide I just rubbed lip gloss on me and that worked too, so maybe we can use that!”

I literally was on right after the Harrowing Life Tale Woman. I was talking about sports bras and the Milkshake song.

Who books these shows?

And then my mom went to the website to try to find a clip of the most inspiring story ever told, and maybe a little bit of me going on about short shorts. Once she got to the site she found my book. It was listed with another book:
Mom told me I need to start working on a sympathy angle real quick.

Today

It sure does snow a lot in other states. A really lot.

Tonight we made our way from Bend, OR to the Portland, OR area. I will not go into detail about how much snow we encountered along the way, because my dear mother reads this blog and is not doing so well with my winter traveling plans.

We will be here until Sunday. I’m glad to be in one place for more than a few hours. Constantly being on the road is not nearly as much fun as all those truck drivers make it out to be. Maybe if we had a cool horn we could pull and honk. That might be the difference.

In our truck not only do we not have a cool horn, we also do not have much room. I am not driving, my Camera Guy Edwin is driving, so that I can try to remain Homeowner Dawn. I’ve got my laptop, my Blackberry and a wireless internet connection. It’s an office on wheels really. And again, it’s not as much fun as things on wheels usually are.

I am terribly impressed with the reach of this wireless internet thingy though. We were driving in the middle of nowhere today for about 95% of the day and yet I was still on the internet, and able to continue to do my work and get it to my clients. Technology can be amazing.

Another thing that is amazing? This picture:

Why? Why are we putting cheese inside of tater tots? Why? Are we just not wanting to deal with those last few years of our lives? Do we just need to take our arteries for a test drive every once in awhile?

I dunno.

What I do know:

Is that the Burger is definitely worthy of it’s own “ville”.

Tonight (post-cheesey tots, pre-Burgerville) I went to a book signing. And apparently the event took its name quite literally. I signed one book. No one else came. Well, that’s not true. Camera Guy Edwin and my Aunt and Uncle came. But everyone else was sane and decided that snow is not a fun thing to be out in.

Oh well. At least the evening included a trip to Burgerville...so all was not lost.

It's Cold

I am sitting outside of the second motel we've tried to stay at tonight. It is cold. There is snow here. Snow is cold. It snows here a lot. It's a place that is kinda known for the snow. And the cold.

And the first motel we went to had a heater the size of my Blackberry that was meant to warm the whole room. Now granted, the room was only the size of my laptop, but still.

The man offered us extra blankets. Wow. That’s helpful when it’s 20 friggin degrees in your damn motel room. That one blanket ought to do the trick.

So here we are, at the second hotel. It is warmer, and has a heater the size of a heater, so that is good. They also have two little things up at the office that dispense cereal. Already I am liking this place more.

Tomorrow I do two morning shows. This is the tour of morning shows, apparently. A sick, cruel little joke that the publicity gods are playing on me. Although this time the gods are giving me a break, they are two radio shows. And radio shows don’t require you to be there in person. So I will be doing my scheduled appearances via the telephone. Ahhhh. I think I would be ever so happy to do all my scheduled appearances from my bed. People may get the wrong impression about me though. But what would I care? I’d be in bed. With an extra blanket.

Sac and Co

Here is another show.

I'm thinking that you might not need to watch all these, as I am just saying the same thing over and over again. And I'm even wearing the same shirt every time. I promise I am not wearing that shirt 24 hours a day. Sometimes I take it off for showers.

This is the first time I’ve been able to get on the internet in two days. I unheart the internet situation in BFE places. I have this little wireless internet thingy on the side of my computer. I am paying Sprint a handsome fee so that they can provide me internet via this thingy. I spent the better part of today cursing Sprint and said thingy.

I am better now.

I have found a place on the road that actually has a connection. We just sat for an hour on the side of a road, using internet and loving all technology.

So far things are going smashingly.

We are in Chico today and tomorrow, then up to Oregon. Apparently there is snow in Oregon, so who the hell knows how that part of our adventure may go. Do you suppose there is wireless internet in the snow? I hope.

Yesterday I was on a TV show in San Fran. When I was waiting for my turn I noticed another guy waiting as well. And I noticed the book he was holding. The title is “A Long Way Gone”, I think. I’ve seen the book. It’s in Starbucks. It’s about a child soldier in Africa who was made to fight wars and do inhumane horrible things that shattered his innocence and his soul. The guy holding the book? He was the guy who wrote the book. The show I was about the be on? The same one he was going to be on. The person following the heart-wrenching story of a childhood stolen? Yeah, that would be me.

“Uh, yeah, so I didn’t really kill anyone or have my innocence stolen. BUT! I did once drag my leg 13 miles. Oh, how I’ve suffered.”

Ahem.

Today I was on another morning. Seriously, with the morning shows. I am going to be famous someday. And when I am? I will have a LATE NIGHT SHOW. That tapes LATE AT NIGHT. This morning I was up at 4:45 am. I drove 40 minutes both ways for a 3 minute TV segment. I was back in bed by 8 am. My life has gone off-course.

We are trying to figure out ways to post the different media that I’ve done. Funny thing, I’ve done several 2, 3 and 5 minute segments, and then two hour long radio shows. Quite a difference...

It’s only day two. And I think I’m tired of hearing myself talk...

Good Day Sacramento

First TV Show

We are still trying to get video of the morning show yesterday. In the meantime I do have photos:



Here is a shot of me and the camera truck. The pre-game show, if you will.


This is a pic of all of us looking in the truck at the monitors in there. On those monitors there was a guy ending a high speed chase and getting arrested. I would learn later that my mother was screaming at this man to get arrested quicker because HER DAUGHTER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON T.V. Seriously. Don’t mess with mama Dais.


Two of my friends happened to have yesterday off work and they happened to live near the park where we were filming my segment. So they came on over to cheer me on. They literally rolled out of bed and came over. No make-up. No hair (not in like the Britney No Hair way, but in the “I didn’t even bother” way).


They were standing there smiling and talking and waving and smiling. And then the reporter said, “Do you guys want to be in the segment too?” Smiles gone. “Would you like to be on TV right after you get out of bed?” Because my friends are the kind that get out of bed in the morning on their day off work to come see me at the park they said okay. There was a lot of head shaking and pulling down of visors.



Here I am during the actual segment. I'm running. On TV. In the morning. It went well considering how poorly that combo could have gone.

Here are some pics from a Fleet Feet event I had last night.

The fans, they love me. Look at the laughs.

The fans. A little obsessed. It was bound to happen.

Dream in Motion Video

Dream in Motion

Superstar

I’ve been told by various people that there is a rather big sign announcing my book signing next Saturday at a local Barnes and Noble. I am a very big superstar, they said, because I had such a huge sign.

I went to this store this weekend and was alarmed to see myself staring out the window, announcing my signing to all who passed in front of the store. I was meeting someone at the store, so I was forced to wait outside. While I was waiting people would pass by the store, see the sign and then two feet later see my hiding behind a pole trying not to look like I enjoy spending my Sundays standing beside my own picture.

Then my friend came up and started laughing and pointing, doing a very good job of keeping me inconspicuous. Since there was already laughing and pointing I thought I’d might as well take a picture of the first poster announcing my superstardom.

Then I noticed:

Yeah. My name is not spelled right. Oh how quickly we mighty fall. I know exactly how Britney was feeling this weekend.

The only good part about the whole thing is that I doubt anyone really recognized me from the photo. Let’s just say I don’t exactly go around with quite as much makeup as I have on in the photo. And by “quite as much” I mean “really none at all”.

Until yesterday.

The friend that was meeting me at the bookstore was also taking me to get makeup so that I will perhaps look somewhat presentable on morning television during my various appearances across this great land.

Have I told you about the morning appearances I have to make? I might not have, as I am doing my best to block them out. Why can’t there be local shows on at like midnight? This would fit with my sleeping pattern a little better. And by “a little better” I mean “completely better”. How the fark am I going to not only get my butt out of bed in time for morning television and ALSO be somewhat coherent and maybe a little entertaining on said television? It is going to be a challenge. Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of dealing with me in the AM hours will be happy to attest to this fact.

Anywho, I figured that what I might lack in alertness and sun-shiney brightness I might be able to make up for in 3 or so pounds of makeup attached to my face. This sounds like a plan, right? Right. Well, it’s an expensive plan, I’ll tell you that. My good lord does make up cost a lot of money. Of course it will be totally worth it if the makeup can convince even one home viewer that I am sun-shiney in the morning hours.

I might need to buy extra blush.

And possibly a stunt double.

Home Phone

I am so busy it’s ridiculous. I just got done with my list of work to do today. It is 1 a.m. I will now make a list of the stuff I have to do tomorrow. Days are slipping by, very quickly, as if they are taunting me with how few of them are left before I am forced to know what the hell I am talking about in front of people both live and through the TV. Lord help me.

Today we ordered a video camera for the documentary that we will be shooting as I skyrocket to fame or plummet to defeat. Either way, it might be worth watching. Perhaps in a train wreck sort of way. We shall see.

If the trip goes anything like the camera purchasing went, I feel as though we might be in trouble.

My Camera Guy got on the phone to order the camera. We had to get it ordered by 1 so that we could catch the overnight delivery and have the camera ASAP (funny thing: it’s hard to shoot a documentary without a camera (small but rather significant (and expensive) detail)) I was paying for the camera with my credit card even though I wasn’t the one on the phone. This was all very confusing to the Camera Seller Guys. They did not like that the phone number we were calling from did not match the phone number on the credit card. Then when I got on the phone and told them my phone number they said that was not the right phone number either. Then they rambled off some other phone number. A phone number I’d never heard of in all my days. I happened to be sitting at my desk though, and I looked up at my phone bill and saw that this number he was rambling off was actually my home phone number. I don’t actually use my home phone number for anything other than DSL, so I have no need to know it. The number has never been used on any of the million credit things I’ve ever filled out, but this guy seemed dead set on convincing me that this was my primary number.

My patience level was not up for any further conversation with this man, so I handed him back to Camera Guy. Then the two of them went around and around for another half hour trying to figure out how we could possibly do the impossible task of ordering something and putting it on a credit card. Camera Guy came into my office and said, “He needs to call your home phone to confirm that this is really you.” At this point I lost what some refer to as “my cool”. I think I got “hot”. We had to get this camera ordered and I had purchased my condo in less time than it was taking for this man to process one simple order.

I started cussing quite a bit. Because, you see, I don’t have a phone for him to call. I mean, I think I have one somewhere, I think my mom gave me one. But who the hell knows where it ended up in my “organization” of the house? The “organization” really only consisted of my stuffing things into various cabinets and drawers so that the house looked “organized”. So really, the phone could be in with my spare toothbrushes and salt shakers, for all I know. The only thing I know for sure is that this Camera Sales Guy was a friggin’ moron and it was ridiculous that he had to call a number that is not anywhere on anything having to do with my name or credit cards.

I opened and shut things VERY LOUDLY as I made rational and well-worded expressions of my feelings about this whole process. When I looked up I saw that Camera Guy was gone and was hiding in another room.

A bit later Camera Sales Guy decided that it would be okay if he just called my cell phone. You know, the number that everyone in the world has for me. When he called he said, “Don’t be mad, I’m just trying to do my job.” Future reference Camera Sales Guy: Telling a mad person not to be mad? Pretty much guaranteed to have the opposite effect than the one that you are going for. Just a word to the wise.

Finally, after a rather short conversation, full of nothing but sunshine and love, Camera Sales Guy was able to put our order through. He told Camera Guy that if there were any problems he would, “Call you guys back. I mean I’ll call YOU back, not her.”

Damn straight.

Then we got two receipts and confirmation of two orders being shipped to us, instead only one that we actually ordered and paid for. If we get two cameras, I’m selling one. If the Camera Sales People have a problem with that, they can just give me a call on my home phone.

Tick, Tock

It turns out there is a little bit of planning that goes into a 10-week cross-country book tour/world saving adventure. Geez. Why does everything have to be so difficult? I’m officially in “Making Lists” mode. I am making lists of all the crap I have to do within the next couple of weeks.

1. Figure out what the hell to say at the 5 million different TV/Book Store/Running Events where I am scheduled to speak.
2. Drink Heavily.

My camera guy is here, he has moved into my house and we will begin filming soon. Did I tell you we are filming this whole thing for a documentary? We are. I’m like Ozzy Osborne here, with all the filming. Except with more cussing.

We had an opportunity to get my books in some cool gift baskets next week, so I got in touch with my publisher to see if they could give me the 40 books I needed. They had them at their offices, but I needed to put stuff in the books so that people who receive them know all about the tour/world saving adventures. So I drove down to the offices today and picked them up. And I then I signed them.

My lord in heaven.

I don’t know when it happened, but at some point my handwriting just stopped maturing into that of a regular functioning adult. It must have been circa grade 6 that I stopped any further development of my handwriting skills. I swear to you, my handwriting looks like a drunk, epileptic 4 year old got a hold of a pen and just went crazy (crazier than a drunk, epileptic 4 year old would be already). I try so hard to make my handwriting legible, and it seems that the more I try the more drunk the 4 year old gets.

So I’m sitting there in Kinko’s signing 40 books while offering commentary to my fellow shoppers, “Oh, that one is horrible, just horrible. I hope no one important gets that one.” “Oh, god, I’m actually ashamed of that one.” “Wow, that doesn’t look like anything resembling my name.” “Oh, god, I think the more think about them the worse they are getting.”

I think I need a signature stamp. Sure it’s cheesy, but at least then people would be able to distinguish who actually signed the book. As it is now they are all probably just going to wonder how it is this 4 year old sobered up long enough to write a whole book. And they will admire that little 4 year old’s ability to move beyond her disabilities and train for a marathon...

3. Learn how to write.
4. And probably spell too.

I Heart Mom

My mother called me today.

“Guess what I did today? (guilty giggle)”
“What? (accusatory tone)”
“I went to Barnes and Noble to find your book.”
“Was it there?”
“It was, but it was waaaay in the back of the store and then waaaay up on a high shelf.”
“Yes, well that is where the running section is.”
“Well I think you should be up front.”
“I know you do, you are my mother.”
“I had to get on a stool to reach your book.”
“You are kinda short.”
“AND it was just filed with the other books, it wasn’t even facing forward so you could see the front!”
“Well, there are a lot of books.”
“I took one book and faced it forward on the shelf, so everyone can see the front. Then I took the other one up to the front of the store and put it on a table up there. Dad said I’m not allowed to do that, but I said who is going to stop me?”
“You are a rebel.”
“I was going to put it on the Exciting New Releases table but I thought that might be too bold.”
“Yes, we don’t want to go too far.”
“I’m retired, I could go to every store in the city and do this.”
“Maybe you could set up displays and stuff?”
“And lights! Christmas lights!”
“Yes, that would be classy.”

My mom is my biggest fan. And strangely, she is the only one I will really ever need.

(As long as she really does go store to store and move my books...)