Stuff

The REI things are going surprisingly well. Fun fact: I can BS for really any length of time, as it turns out. Well, I don’t really think of it as BS-ing, I just think of it as thinking on my feet. I’ve just gone in there the past couple of nights, taken a seat and started talking about marathon training. I mean really. I wrote 200 friggin pages about it, the least I can do it rambling on about it for an hour or so. The only problem seems to be that I don’t have much of a set outline of what I’m going to say, so tonight I kept hesitating on things, because I didn’t know if I had already said those things tonight, or was that last night? Geez, this is probably why people write things down and formulate thoughts before they give seminars on running. Maybe I’ll formulate thoughts on the next book tour. Or maybe I’ll formulate thoughts before the book tour and as a result will decide not to actually go on a book tour.

Lot’s of stuff has happened between blogs, and since I’m not blogging as often as usual I feel like some stuff is going unreported here in the blogworld. For that I am ever so sorry. For instance, it’s April something or other now and we still don’t have an updated picture of my mom’s ceramic dog. Things are falling apart here. You know, one of my friends suggested that I make a myspace page for the dog. I think I just might. His pictures are much better than half of the people on myspace. And he’s wearing more clothes in his pictures. (The dog, not my friend)

Last night on my way back from Seminar de Dawn I had to stop at YET ANOTHER TOLL BOOTH. Seriously. I am beginning to harbor a resentment towards tollbooths that is bordering on homicidal. Last night I came very close to hopping that border. It’s late at night. I have no cash. I see a sign saying there is a tollbooth coming up. There is no sign for an exit where I might be able to go get money. I get to the tollbooth. I have no money I say, can you send me a bill or something? The man says that the bill will be $29 if I can’t pay. This is when I started taking very big steps towards the border. I said maybe I had the $4 (and by the way - $4 for a FRIGGIN’ TOLL?!!!! Please someone do the math on how much @##%^&#$!@#$!#$ money these tollbooths are bringing in. Perhaps maybe we could set up a tollbooth to help fund things like education and health care for the poor, instead of just potholes.) in change, could I just pull to the side so the other people could go while I counted my change? He said no, the people would have to wait. I did not have $4 in change, so he took down my license number and will be sending me a bill that charges me over 900% interest because I am one of the millions of people in this country who operate almost exclusively on plastic, not cash. Do you think I could have sued the tollbooth company if I was attacked and mugged while going to get cash in the middle of the night in order to pay their ridiculous toll? Ooooooooooohhhhhh, I am not a happy driver. I will be sending this ticket back with a very strongly worded letter and a $5 bill. I am willing to pay 25% interest. That to me seems fair. If you can consider paying to driving a FREEway fair to begin with.

In other news I made a short video of two videos from Southern California. The first is a little sushi place in San Diego. It’s got flat screens all over the place, playing the most random stuff. The second was a huge bomb-looking fire in Hollywood. Big stuff, captured on film for you...

Portland Urban Iditarod

So.

This weekend.

I was in Portland.

Because I wrote a book about running I thought we would do a running event while in Portland. It is not my fault that the only running event in Portland this weekend just happened to be one that involved dressing up and “running” from bar to bar. There is nothing I could do about that. It’s not like I planned to be in Portland at that very time, so as to participate in this particular event. It’s not like I said, “Portland and New Orleans are really the only two places I need to hit on my book tour,” when my publicists asked where I wanted to go. Priorities people, it’s all about priorities.

Months ago, when I was planning this crazy tour, I was looking on Active.com for different events and I came across one called The Urban Iditarod. The tagline for the event was, “There are no winners or losers, just belligerent idiots running around.” And I was hooked.

The event is a play on the actual iditarod that takes place in Alaska. In the real iditarod there is a dude that is pulled through snow by a bunch of dogs. In the Urban Iditarod there is someone pushing a shopping cart with four friends pulling the cart. They are all dressed up like idiots. And they are running from bar to bar in downtown Portland.

I could get into the sport of running if it included more events like this.

So I found a couple people in Portland to come out and play on my team. We didn’t quite know what we were going to dress up as, but we knew that the Salvation Army might have just what we were looking for. And I must say the Army came through big time. $20 later we had three and a half costumes and we were ready to join the belligerent idiots.

We decided that we would be rest home escapees. Our costumes included nightgowns, bras (on the outside), some classy hats and even some depends. Oh and some lovely lipstick. We looked awesome.

The most awesome part was the fact that there wasn’t a set route for the event, so people were randomly dressed and randomly running all over downtown from bar to bar. After the first mile or so people started going their own ways, and just ending up at the bars however they saw fit. This meant that the normal citizens of Portland, who were just out for a Saturday stroll, were a little confused by the random people running by with shopping carts and dressed like idiots. They had looks of horror and bewilderment and amusement spread across their faces, “Uh, what are you guys doing?” Some came over and joined in the fun, some kept their children at a safe distance, others said we were going to hell. Most just stared. And shook their heads.

At one point I got separated from the pack and was left to wander the streets of Portland with only one other member of my team. We got some very interesting looks. I started embracing my insanity and began looking around the city as if I were a normal window shopper. I scared the security guard at Tiffany’s when I peeked in the window. And when I got to a building with a ticker tape of stock numbers going around it, I stopped, took out my Blackberry and typed vigorously while screaming, “Sell! Sell!” While dressed in a nightgown with my bra on the outside.

I heart the Urban Iditarod.

For you, my dear readers, I’ve made a little video of our time spent competing in one of the fiercest events in athletics. It ain’t easy running with that much lipstick on, I tell ya.

Bye Bye Oregon

We have left Oregon. We are now back in California for a brief time. Then we head off to the east, on our way across to Chicago. Oprah! Here I come. If anyone cancels an appearance on your show I’d be happy to fill in. I’m an old pro at the tv shows now. Call me. Or, better yet, call my “people”. Cause I have “people” and I’m thinking that they are definitely the ones that should be handling calls from Oprah.

It is very weird to have “people”. God love ‘em they are pimping me out to pretty much anyone who will take their calls. Today I had a book signing at a running place in Eugene, Oregon and while I was there a camera crew from the local news came out to talk to me. I was a bit worried about this, as my last book signing included the signing of only one book and the attendance of only one couple. I didn’t know that this was exactly the kind of event that the local media needed to be made aware of. I feared that they would arrive and there I would be sitting, all by my lonesome, surrounded by books, without an interested patron in sight. Is this something that people need to see on the evening news? I think no.

Thankfully there were some people at this event. Unfortunately most of them were gone by the time the news people arrived. But I did have a couple friends with me (my entourage, you know) and so they stood there and talked to me, looking all interested and informed by me and my book. News at 11.

We had quite a lot of fun this weekend. There are pictures. I will not get into the fun, as without the pictures it’s just hardly worth it. But I will say that three ladies, $20 at the Salvation Army, a shopping cart and 500 drunken idiots add up to a lot of fun.

I must go sleep now.

First TV Show

We are still trying to get video of the morning show yesterday. In the meantime I do have photos:



Here is a shot of me and the camera truck. The pre-game show, if you will.


This is a pic of all of us looking in the truck at the monitors in there. On those monitors there was a guy ending a high speed chase and getting arrested. I would learn later that my mother was screaming at this man to get arrested quicker because HER DAUGHTER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON T.V. Seriously. Don’t mess with mama Dais.


Two of my friends happened to have yesterday off work and they happened to live near the park where we were filming my segment. So they came on over to cheer me on. They literally rolled out of bed and came over. No make-up. No hair (not in like the Britney No Hair way, but in the “I didn’t even bother” way).


They were standing there smiling and talking and waving and smiling. And then the reporter said, “Do you guys want to be in the segment too?” Smiles gone. “Would you like to be on TV right after you get out of bed?” Because my friends are the kind that get out of bed in the morning on their day off work to come see me at the park they said okay. There was a lot of head shaking and pulling down of visors.



Here I am during the actual segment. I'm running. On TV. In the morning. It went well considering how poorly that combo could have gone.

Here are some pics from a Fleet Feet event I had last night.

The fans, they love me. Look at the laughs.

The fans. A little obsessed. It was bound to happen.

Superstar

I’ve been told by various people that there is a rather big sign announcing my book signing next Saturday at a local Barnes and Noble. I am a very big superstar, they said, because I had such a huge sign.

I went to this store this weekend and was alarmed to see myself staring out the window, announcing my signing to all who passed in front of the store. I was meeting someone at the store, so I was forced to wait outside. While I was waiting people would pass by the store, see the sign and then two feet later see my hiding behind a pole trying not to look like I enjoy spending my Sundays standing beside my own picture.

Then my friend came up and started laughing and pointing, doing a very good job of keeping me inconspicuous. Since there was already laughing and pointing I thought I’d might as well take a picture of the first poster announcing my superstardom.

Then I noticed:

Yeah. My name is not spelled right. Oh how quickly we mighty fall. I know exactly how Britney was feeling this weekend.

The only good part about the whole thing is that I doubt anyone really recognized me from the photo. Let’s just say I don’t exactly go around with quite as much makeup as I have on in the photo. And by “quite as much” I mean “really none at all”.

Until yesterday.

The friend that was meeting me at the bookstore was also taking me to get makeup so that I will perhaps look somewhat presentable on morning television during my various appearances across this great land.

Have I told you about the morning appearances I have to make? I might not have, as I am doing my best to block them out. Why can’t there be local shows on at like midnight? This would fit with my sleeping pattern a little better. And by “a little better” I mean “completely better”. How the fark am I going to not only get my butt out of bed in time for morning television and ALSO be somewhat coherent and maybe a little entertaining on said television? It is going to be a challenge. Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of dealing with me in the AM hours will be happy to attest to this fact.

Anywho, I figured that what I might lack in alertness and sun-shiney brightness I might be able to make up for in 3 or so pounds of makeup attached to my face. This sounds like a plan, right? Right. Well, it’s an expensive plan, I’ll tell you that. My good lord does make up cost a lot of money. Of course it will be totally worth it if the makeup can convince even one home viewer that I am sun-shiney in the morning hours.

I might need to buy extra blush.

And possibly a stunt double.

Best Event Ever

So as we travel the countryside, trying to inspire people to get off their butts and get involved in their health and their world and all that junk, we are also on the lookout for anyway to connect with people. We are looking for different running-type events at which we can go and spread our words of Nonrunner’s Marathon-ing and saving the world I spoke of earlier. We’ve found a lot of events that we’ve added to our calendar of cross-country fun.

But nothing looks as fun as this event:


The Portland Iditarod

I do not think I can adequately explain the excitement of this event, so I will blatantly steal from their site:

“In the Alaskan Iditarod, more than sixty dog sled teams race across the frozen tundra from Anchorage to Nome. In our urban version, teams of 'dogs' lead by a musher will pull their sleds (shopping carts) through some of Portland's most scenic areas. These teams of barking humans must negotiate through the unrelenting and unforgiving dangers of Portland's urban frontier. As an incentive to run, dogs and mushers alike will have several 'rest stops' to replenish lost fluids and discuss tales of mayhem. The course is over four miles, so dogs and mushers alike need to be ready and able to run their tails off.”

Ha! Seriously. How much fun does this look? So much fun. I contacted the main Iditarod-er and asked him if we could come play. He said that of course we could, and that if I needed a team I could run with his team. But I’d have to wear a prom dress. Awesome.

These are my kinds of people, these Iditarod-ers. They like the move, they like to act foolish and they seem to enjoy a party. What more do I need in an event?

Portland here I come.

Saturday, March 3rd - Come on out if you’re in the area. And if you have a prom dress.

I Need to Get Witty Real Quick and I Should Probably Lose 10 Pounds

So I wrote a book. In not a very long time from now it will become my job to talk about the book to anyone and everyone who happens to be tricked into listening to me.

Please note the word “talk” in that sentence. As in “speak”. “To people”. “Who probably expect you to be at least sorta funny because you wrote what is being billed as a “humorous” book”. (Can you put quotes inside of quotes? I don’t know. The only thing I’m half good at, writing, and I don’t even really know how to do that. Sweet) So, yeah. I have book events coming up. Wherein I am expected to stand in front of people and talk in a witty and engaging way that makes them want to fork over cash for the pile of paper I am trying to sell them.

Have you ever heard of that study that says that public speaking is the thing that is most frightening to people? There is a reason for that. Because it’s scary as hell to stand in front of people and speak. Let alone when you are supposed to be funny. Just ask Michael Richards, sometimes bad things happen. Now granted, I don’t foresee myself breaking into a racist, angry rant, but I also wonder if perhaps that might be better than just standing up there frozen, holding a bottle of Gatorade as a prop and not really knowing what the hell to say about the bottle or the fact that I am frozen.

Things could go badly, is what I’m saying.

I should have co-wrote the book with someone. Then I’d at least have someone up there with me to pick up the ball, should I drop it in a fit of panic and fear and sweat and overall non-funny. Do you think it’s too late to add a co-writer? Anyone interested?

Here are a list of events so far: http://www.dreaminmotion.net/Press_Events.html
Please come if you can. And hold up cue cards in the back with witty remarks.